The outsider at home: a study of the emotional lives of military fathers

A study of military fathers is a study in conflict, not just away but at home. Many men can relate to the father’s balancing act of breadwinner-comforter but fewer people understand the depth of emotional conflict faced by military fathers and the impact of their absences, not just on families, but on the soldiers themselves.

This is what Sean Larsen, a University of Victoria PhD student in educational psychology, set out to investigate. His report entitled “You Are Away” is being finalized for publication.

For his research, Larsen did extensive interviews with veterans who were fathers while in active military service. All fathers described deployment as the primary feature that differentiated them from other fathers. He identified four main themes: a strong military-first mindset; a feeling of missing out on milestones, bonding opportunities and sometimes, of missing out on whole relationships; feeling like an outsider in their own families; and active disengagement from family as a form of self-protection while away from home.

A substantial body of literature has examined the impact of military service on families, including exposure to traumatic stress and instability, and the separation of soldiers from their families when deployed. However, much of the previous research focuses on the impact it has on those left behind and not those departing and returning: the fathers.

Of the small body of research that has been done with military fathers, most involved younger men who were still active in the military. The veterans whom Larsen interviewed for his research study—five navy and one army—were at the end of their military careers, with an average of nearly 30 years of service. This distance from active service and the opportunity the study afforded to look back at their younger lives, Larsen says, probably accounts for differences he heard. The men all expressed powerful emotion, compassion and thoughtfulness, much beyond what Larsen expected.

Larsen is a father of two young children, and is a child and family therapist based in Rossland, BC.

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