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Sexualized violence resources and support

What is consent?

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At UVic we define consent as “the voluntary agreement to engage in sexualized contact or activity and to continue to engage in the contact or activity. Consent means that all individuals involved demonstrate, through words or actions, that they freely and mutually agree to participate in a contact or activity”.

Consent is required no matter your relationship or history with someone. Practicing consent involves clear communication, respect and ongoing attention to the other person’s comfort and boundaries.

  • clear communication: say what you want so the other person can decide freely
  • asking before acting: check in at the start and before changing activities
  • taking responsibility: it’s your job to ask for consent, and remember that it can be withdrawn at any time
  • respecting boundaries: if someone sets a limit, stop and honor it
  • accepting rejection: be prepared to hear “no” and stop immediately
  • learning body language: pay attention to non-verbal cues as well as words
  • ongoing dialogue: consent is a continuous conversation, not a one-time check box activity
  • recognizing power dynamics: consent is not valid if someone is pressured, threatened, or intimidated through power, trust or authority

Understanding incapacitation

A person who is slurring words, incoherent, unable to stand, passed out, asleep or has vomited is incapacitated and cannot give consent.

Incapacitation can occur from:

  • alcohol or other substances: these can affect the ability to process information, make decisions, and respond to situations
  • traumatic responses: someone re-living a painful or frightening experience may freeze, act differently or appear unaware of what is happening
  • be clear about what you want and ask for it explicitly
  • pay close attention to how the other person responds
  • not everyone is comfortable saying “no” out loud—they might move away, change the subject, stay silent or avoid responding.
  • reading non-verbal cues is your responsibility
  • silence—or the absence of “no”—is never consent

Asking for consent is more than just getting permission from someone to do something — it’s a way to show respect for the people around you. Consent is an everyday practice that shows that we care about other people. For example, people feel respected when you ask before you:

  • take or post someone’s photo online
  • borrow or use someone’s personal belongings
  • share or repeat something told to you in confidence
  • adding someone to a group chat
  • sit close to them
  • touch them or give a hug
When we make consent a normal part of our daily interactions, it becomes much easier to practice it in more vulnerable and/or sexual situations.

 

Consent cues are the verbal or non-verbal signs you should listen to and watch for when you are with someone. These cues help you know if the person is comfortable with what you’re doing or saying. Paying attention to these signs and talking openly makes for safer and better sexual experiences for everyone involved. 

Examples of verbal consent cues and what they are not.
Consent might sound like Not

Yes, I’m sure, I want to…

 I don’t know

I want you/to…

 Ummm, maybe, okay I guess...

That feels good

 NO, that’s not okay, not cool

Keep going/doing that

 Stop, get off me...
I am so into you/that I don’t want to do this anymore
 

Ow, that hurts
 

I need a break
 

I’ve never really done that
 

I didn’t like that last time
Examples of non-verbal and physical consent cues and what they are not.
Consent might look like Not

Direct eye contact

Avoiding eye contact, looking away

Pulling someone closer

Pushing someone away

Nodding yes

Unresponsive or silent

Sounds of enjoyment

Crying, looking sad/fearful, shaking head no

Laughter or smiling

Body tenses up

Relaxed, open body language

Sharp and sudden deep breath
 

Avoiding touch or moving away

 The tables are adapted from the University of Missouri-Kansas City’s RISE (2021).